Bed of Winter

It’s quiet out here

in the snow

the morning sky still a heavy blue.

It’s peaceful here

right now

for a few moments.

I think of the screaming

I heard in my head last night,

it doesn’t scare me anymore.

It just adds to a sadness

how I’m irrevocably changed

and it makes me miss you.

You never disappointed me–I do that myself.

How would you look at me here? Now, in the snow?

How would you reach me

through the screaming?  Would you even try

I can hear the snow settle down

in the quiet bed of winter,

here now, when my mind is quiet

for just a few moments.

I wish  for your hand sometimes.  Your voice, your smell.

When I am sick I want you

but people leave it seems and I write

only for myself

but a young part of me

likes to believe you’re still here

I hear you in the  snow

how gentle and quiet

you were.

I want to confide in you

that I wasn’t brave

I was cornered

and I have no faith in myself anymore

maybe I never did

I’m writing a poem-letter to you,

my dead father, who didn’t believe I was yours

but you can’t come refute it now

I can make of you as I want

and aside from you

leaving and dying

I just want to pretend

that the hand I imagine in mine

when I fall down

is yours, you–loving me

enough to help me.

6 thoughts on “Bed of Winter

  1. dang…felt…the longing to have them care enough to pick you up…the snow makes for a nice backdrop as well…i like to go out and stand in its hush…

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  2. My dear, you are brave and strong to put your heart out that way in the beautiful bed of snow for all to see. There are so many tragic elements to this and my heart cries for each of them. If my time machine was working, I’d go back and fix people like your father so that I wouldn’t have to use the time machine to help people like you. Obviously, you never deserved this, and there is loss all around your world. However (small, but important, consolation), this has only made you shine more and more in my eyes. You survive (because you have a choice to the contrary) and you create (because you also have a choice to the contrary) and I am richer because of you, and therefore you are an unwitting hero to me. Sending you a loving firm embrace. Your pal, Moskowitz

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  3. Such heartfelt emotions in these lines…I had the feeling of an unrequited parental love…I was left with an undercurrent feeling of sadness.

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  4. Achingly sad, yet, luminous in your introspection.
    The lines, “It’s peaceful here

    right now

    for a few moments.” -are what I pray you encounter more of, on your path to healing, Amy.

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  5. These lines come right inside.
    when reading I kept thinking of a good friend
    suddenly lost his loved one
    while she made a short city trip to Spain
    and the snow, it shows its white cloth
    it comes and goes
    and returns some day, for sure

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