DEGREES

I

I am surrounded in color

the yellow haze, the wet purple

of lilacs, the orange chains

of rust and motor oil.

Here, I am space ready for filling.

II.

I am surrounded in weight

weight that pushes and hides

and blindfolds me in curtains

of blood and faceless entrance.

I am a void being filled with dirt,

a heavy shovel, a man’s sweaty hands;

he fills me.

Here, I forget the the weight for years.

III.

I am surrounded in cold;

after the music, there is a numbing

that spreads like ink;

a chill that never disperses

as I come undone in the mirror.

Here, my brain fills with lesions.

IV.

I am surrounded in heat and noise

I am surrounded in voices

calling my name, whispering to me.

I am surrounded by godless stars

where the vacuum of space fills my heart,

embedding tracks of memories

across my chest,  intersecting my veins.

Here, I am white noise, breaking.

Here I am angry.  So angry.

Here, alone in my room I whisper

Be Brave, Resist, Fight

 

I touched the first sparks of a wild fire

before I learned the truth of pain.

Here, now,

I’m learning to fill within the wound.